Harvey Putter & the Thing of Pewter
by RSB
Summary: The Beginning of the Adventures of Edward Philemon Dominikos Samsonite Parker Danforth Ignacious Malt Fontaine the Sixty Forth. Warning: High School Humor (undergarments, locker rooms).


RSB Maniacally Presents...

Harvey Putter & the Thing of Pewter 

          Once upon a time warp, in a faraway magical kingdom, in an even further away magickal land, in a galaxy far, far, away, there was a little twerp who thought he was special. Of course, he was a teenager, and thus, the world revolved around him. He was born with the unenviable name of Edward Philemon Dominkos Samsonite Parker Danforth Ignacious Malt-Fontaine the Sixty Fourth. Upon discovering that his parents couldn't remember his name, that his teachers couldn't begin to pronounce his name, and that he himself hardly thought of himself as Edward Philemon Dominkos Samsonite Parker Danforth Ignacious Malt-Fontaine the Sixty Fourth, Edward Philemon Dominkos Samsonite Parker Danforth Ignacious Malt-Fontaine the Sixty Fourth decided to change his name in the hopes that fame, notoriety, and the world would play into his favor and make him known the world over by everyone less than him. Since Edward Philemon Dominkos Samsonite Parker Danforth Ignacious Malt-Fontaine the Sixty Fourth thought of himself as greater than everyone, this meant everyone else. Edward Philemon Dominkos Samsonite Parker Danforth Ignacious Malt-Fontaine the Sixty Fourth privately thought of everyone else as mooseflies. And so, just before entering his freshman year of High School, Edward Philemon Dominkos Samsonite Parker Danforth Ignacious Malt-Fontaine the Sixty Fourth convinced his parents to legally change his name from Edward Philemon Dominkos Samsonite Parker Danforth Ignacious Malt-Fontaine the Sixty Fourth to Harvey Putter. 

          Now, Harvey was not special at all. There was one thing in which he was _not a complete, utter, and entire failure. Harvey Putter, formerly Edward Philemon Dominkos Samsonite Parker Danforth Ignacious Malt-Fontaine the Sixty Fourth, was an especially complete, utter, and entire failure at putting. _

          The local bullies, who at first had given him wedgies and wet willies, instead resorted to putting Harvey Putter in the trashcan and giving him swirlies. Harvey found this only slightly better treatment than before. He believed, in his egocentric way, that the mooseflies were finally beginning to recognize his greatness. He was patiently waiting for his Nobel Prize, the keys to City Hall, the Presidency of the United Kingdom, his driver's license, and a pre-approved credit card. None of which ever arrived.

          One day, Harvey was hiding in the locker room, when he tripped over something gray and small. It looked like a ring. Harvey had never seen a ring. He thus, in his infinite wisdom, declared it a Thing. 

          Just then, Harvey had the weird sensation that people were approaching- the very bullies who had vowed not an hour earlier to set up his first date- with the pavement. He quickly retreated into an open locker. 

          And, like magic, the bullies ignored him! 

          Harvey decided that his Thing had made him invisible. It truly was a Thing of Power. Harvey blinked and squinted (his parents said they'd change his name, not his eyesight. And glasses were expensive). He discovered that the Thing was not actually made of Power, but of Pewter. He was overjoyed by this prospect. 

          Several weeks later, Harvey was in enough of a perverted state of mind that he slipped on his Thing of Pewter and decided to see if he could sneak into the Girls Locker Room. 

          He was beat, drugged, hog tied, and dragged to the principal's office within seconds. 

          In the principal's office, Harvey explained very slowly why he had been caught sneaking into the Girls Locker Room. He explained it very slowly because he didn't expect the principal to understand words like, "perverted" or "idiotic" or even the popular phrase "I thought it would be funny". When he was done, the principal asked to see the Thing of Pewter.

          "This is no ordinary Ring, Harvey, did you know that?" the principal asked.

          "Of course not," snorted Harvey derisively. "It's a Thing. A Thing of Pewter."

          "No, Harvey," the Principal sighed. "Let me explain. My name is Alfred Ganderson. I was not always a poor, lowly principal who didn't exercise enough control over my often overzealous and uncaring underlings, the Teachers. I was once..." He trailed off, making mysterious hand motions.

          Harvey followed the motions with a sort of baby-head-bobbing action. "A... a... a magician?"

          "A fortune teller. And this is no mere Ring. This is the Ring of Power. Where did you find it?"

          "In the locker room," Putter didn't have the sense to lie. 

          Alfred Ganderson, former fortune teller extraordinaire, thought for several moments. Harvey privately wondered if his principal had forgotten his medication. Finally, Principal Alfred Ganderson slapped a palm on the table. "The Ring must be destroyed," he declared. 

          "Why?" Putter interjected.

          "Nevermind that," Ganderson said. He reached under his desk and pulled out a putter. "Here, take this putter. I was told it was made out of the tail feather of a wooly jackalope, but frankly I think that's a load of bee ess. Nevertheless, it has great mystical power." Ganderson looked over Putter's shoulder and yelled at his assistant. "May! Who's next in line?"  
          "Samantha Penelope Jessica Francessca Banana-fanna-mo-esta Dot."

          "Send her in!" Ganderson bellowed. Once Samantha Dot sat down beside Putter, Ganderson interlaced his fingers together and leaned forward over the desk conspiratorially. "Dot, go with Putter here to the Locker Room. See that the Ring of Power is destroyed. Do this quickly, quietly, and without making anyone cry, and I'll forgive whatever it is you did this time."

          "I gave my teacher a bloody nose, pulled the fire alarm, and pants'd the cop," confessed Dot blandly. 

          "It never happened," Ganderson said slowly, bobbing his eyebrows. 

          "Deal."

          Harvey Putter and Dot stood at the entrance to the Gym, which was just outside the entrance to the locker room. Putter was terrified. He was so absolutely certain that the bullies were going to trounce and pounce him. And then he'd wind up in a compromising position in the restroom. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad to be plain simple Edward Philemon Dominkos Samsonite Parker Danforth Ignacious Malt-Fontaine the Sixty Fourth. 

          Putter remembered his putter, and tapped his shoe with it reassuringly. He was pretty sure it was useless, but having something that could make things levitate just by pointing was reassuring. 

          Taking a deep breath, Putter turned to Dot. "I'm glad you're here with me, Sam. Would it be inappropriate if I kissed you now?"

          Later, in the hospital, Harvey Putter, failed World famous celebrity realized the enormity of his mistake. He'd been wearing his mother's underwear.

          He vowed to get even. 

          On the third day of his incapacitation, Harvey Putter was visited by Principal Alfred Ganderson. And Dot. Ganderson seemed in a cheerful mood, and was popping red jelly belly jelly beans into his mouth, pausing every so often in expectation. 

          "What's wrong?" Putter asked through his broken jaw. "Are the jelly belly jelly beans stale or something?"

          "No," answered Ganderson distractedly. "I'm waiting for the trace program to disrupt my input/output carrier signal. How are you?"

          "I feel terrible."

          "Good," Ganderson leaned in closely. Putter shrank bank, pulling the covers up to his nose. "You did a very good job, Putter. If this was a New York Times best selling novel for kids that was also enjoyed by adults and turned into a box office smash movie then I'd be very proud of you. But it's not, so I'm not. In fact, I'm rather disappointed."

          "He screamed like a girl when I broke his finger off," Dot interjected. Putter stuck his tongue out at her. Dot cracked her knuckles. Putter retreated under his covers again.

          "So what happens next?" Harvey asked.

          Ganderson blinked. He reached into his pocket and held a jelly belly in each hand. "You have a choice. You take the blue jelly belly, it upsets your stomach, you vomit and pass out like a little girly-man. You take the red jelly belly, Dot kisses you, and you pass out from the sheer shock like a little girly-man."

          "Wow. That's a tough call," Putter blinked. He turned to Dot with a malicious grin. "First you wanna kill me. Then you wanna kiss me-"

          "There is," interrupted Ganderson. "Something else you ought to know."

          "Oh yes?" Putter leered, fingers hovering over the red jelly belly. "What is that?"

          "I am not left-handed."

**End. **


End file.
